A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed