A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
You Might Also Like
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.