@KlMBERLY_

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

You Might Also Like

@nyquills

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

@PeaceInTruth1

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

@KeetPotato

[restaurant]
date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”

@3sunzzz

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

@aidanjsears

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

@CroweJam

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

@ChribHibble

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

@Cheeseboy22

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.