A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..

Long story short, picking her up at 7.

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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.


I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.


I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.


Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and sexy person in the world i cannot be everywhere at once


Amazon review of the Solar System

“Only one star”


Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.


I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.


My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys


me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference



weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]