Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..
Long story short, picking her up at 7.
You Might Also Like
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Please stop asking the universe to send you the most amazing and sexy person in the world i cannot be everywhere at once
Amazon review of the Solar System
“Only one star”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My son can’t wait to be a grownup so he can “drink caffeine and say ‘shit’ all the time” so let’s never forget we’re pretty much living the dream, you guys
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.