A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
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First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I’m not stressed
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.