Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too