A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
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WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls