My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas