@thestlouisan

A young cephalopod breaks from the school.
Swimming mightily, he strives to avoid becoming calamari.
He has [looks at camera] squid goals.

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@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@UncleDuke1969

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

@golubeerji

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

@envydatropic

I’ll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.

@SexytotheNorth

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

@mommy_cusses

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

@mattZillaaaa

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.