“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
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It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Friends that check up on you >
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.