[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
#oldknees
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Birds & Planes.
My Sentiments Exactly
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
[eulogy]
line?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The USS B port
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops