A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
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Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
is this store having a stroke wtf
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.