I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend
ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?