A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Damn he played himself
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers