A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.


Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.


Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.


Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll


Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”


This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.


[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship


We saw some fishermen down at the pier today and my toddler said “oh dad, look, they’re helping the fish out of the water! That’s so nice!”


to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked


Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.