@WheelTod

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

You Might Also Like

@SuperRandomish

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

@ThisOneSayz

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

@Jarhead44

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

@Izianikapani

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

@GrowlyGrego

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

@bonehugsnirony

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

@Average_Dad1

We saw some fishermen down at the pier today and my toddler said “oh dad, look, they’re helping the fish out of the water! That’s so nice!”

@richbrian

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

@BackrowSeats

Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.