ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
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One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.