A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”