A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.