A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
And that about sums it up.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Tough love is true love
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house