AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

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I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.


I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.


i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is


Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.


If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.


A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”


[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?


[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god