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@humanaaron: AA Counselor: what's step one?
AA Battery: admitting I'm powerless
@alldrolledup: Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
@JohnHilsen: Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don't do it in the bathtub.
@krissywillbretz: Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
@PatsATweetin: Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That's disgusting
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”