AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

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People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!


INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument


ME: which could also be a weakness…


I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.


My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”


Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.


Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”


I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters


My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”


🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶

Me: cool, where?

🎶To the east side.🎵

Me: a house?

🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶

Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?