AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

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[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”


HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.


If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.


god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok


Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks


I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.


“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*


I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters