People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I have an eating disorder; I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Society: “Just be yourself.”
Society: “No not like that.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
🎵Well we’re movin on up, 🎶
Me: cool, where?
🎶To the east side.🎵
Me: a house?
🎵To a deluxe apartment in the sky. 🎶
Me: Like Cloud City? From Empire Strikes Back?