AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Pat is about to own someone
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*