@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

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@Bez

I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack.

@beefman138

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

@respected_loner

i hate when the news guys say “our nation’s capital”. stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is

@WilliamAder

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

@YourDailyGroan

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

@Try2StopME

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

@CAshmanActor

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

@BlindChow

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god