@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

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@david8hughes

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

@LosLos__

HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

@WritePlay

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

@sparticus_af

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

@JessiCanadian

I wish I could see the look of surprise and wonder on my son’s face when he opens his lunchbox full of tampons today. Payback for talkback.

@RidiculousSheri

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

@MrMichaelRose

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters