AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Tremendous stuff
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.