Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
At least he brought enough for everyone
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem