Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.