[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
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Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead