[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.


All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.


[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here


Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.


stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”


I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.


Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.


* Gets out of a 10 year old coma * Me: Where am I? Dad: GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!


[police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you’re definitely describing sonic the hedgehog


HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin