[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.