@thepunningman

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

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@TheRealRHB

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

@primawesome

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

@Maxine12333

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

@MsSkarsgaard

Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?

@Kulpie

Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried