AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me


WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them


Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.


Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.


The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.


Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”


I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.


Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.

Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?


Is pregnancy genetic cause my mom was pregnant and so was my grandma and I’m worried