AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

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Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment


So far my toddler’s most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.


Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”


wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]


I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.


Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’


LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.



Sperm can live inside a woman for like 2 weeks.

Nine months if things go really wrong.


Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty