Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
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If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I put the p in pants.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too