@TheAlexNevil

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

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@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

@realfunghi

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

@goldengateblond

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

@WittySassBasket

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

@DaddyJew

Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.

@BombChelleMama

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

@PopSlapFunk

*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”