My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*Arrives to save damsel in distress*
Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”
Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”