“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
You Might Also Like
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
📽️movie date🎞️
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”