“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Self-cleaning conscience
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage