@Jeffwni

Aaaa…CHOO!

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@mdob11

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

@NewDadNotes

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

@WheelTod

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

@Shock_Monster

Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.

@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

@skullpuppy11

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

@philco816

Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

@MesutOzilClass

Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂

@seriouslyemily

I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”