Aaaa…CHOO!
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*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
o shit
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Anyone want a chair?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.