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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done


Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police


Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.


Anyone that says there are no stupid questions has never had to explain to a 5 year old why there are no pink bananas 267 times today.


[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it


Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.


Kids we are running late let’s go!

*Kids I’m going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*


PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol


Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.😂


I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs.”