@Jeffwni

Aaaa…CHOO!

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@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

@Trustedshoe

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

@themorris23

And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

@BuckyIsotope

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

@jeffswarens

The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

@caithuls

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@IvoryGazelle

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.