@Mikecanrant

Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.

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@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

@JoParkerBear

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

@thepunningman

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

@AndyAsAdjective

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

@NightValeRadio

Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.