I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
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me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice