The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
my sentiments exactly
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty