@salmarch79

ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction

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@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

@tayandmae

According to my current parking spot I’m a physician

@E_lok44

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

@kristikat7

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

@bazecraze

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

@CherBear162

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

@AristotlesNZ

Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.

@leannuh

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato