My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.