WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction
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According to my current parking spot I’m a physician
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
*puts up window and drives away
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”