[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
You Might Also Like
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
my mind
You just read my mind
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis