@Gupton68

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

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@TheBeerGuy73

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

@DanaSchwartzzz

the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”

@fro_vo

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

@skittle624

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@EastKentTom

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.