A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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the best part of Fight Club is how some guys saw Edward Norton punching himself in a parking lot and thought “hell yeah i’m on board”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
her: you look nice
barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Still my favourite meme.
Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I’m already here…..
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.