[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
#inspiration #foodforthought
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
sry
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.