{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.