Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
You Might Also Like
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.