“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
this is literally a CIA plant
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.