About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT