about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.