@KattsDogma

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

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@not_delicate

Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband:

@Bagyants

I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”

@Laser_Cat

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

@DiscoFruit

they say running is addictive, that’s why i don’t do it, i’m afraid i’ll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.

@KeetPotato

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

@iwearaonesie

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

@GhostPanther

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@_wangwe

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

@IRLPepperMD

*parents come into my room*
“We need to talk to you… We think you’re an owl.”
*turns neck all the way around to face them*
“Who- I MEAN WHY”