@KattsDogma

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

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@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@brian_bilston

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

@ArfMeasures

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@SteelFontana

I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.

@YikYakApp

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

@InternetHippo

ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.