about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

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7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014


The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.


[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though


There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…


I’m going as “Twitter Elite” for Halloween. I’m going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.


“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago


ME: People should be able to say what they want w/o consequences, that’s the essence of free speech
SOMEONE: You suck
ME: Call the police


Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.