About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
fixed it
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days