About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
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Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh