About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.