About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.

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[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.


Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.


Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.


Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.


Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.


I don’t want to criticize but whoever named them brownies wasn’t trying very hard.


Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


space republicans decree: if alien lifeform implants a egg in ur face,u must carry it to term. perhaps wear a less enticing helmet next time