About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.

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(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.


DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft


That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth


Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.


Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t


9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later


“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.