@Crunch11b

About delete my Facebook account, I hope Stacey and Heather from the 3rd grade can handle the rejection.

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@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@chimneyspotter

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

@BeamishBoi

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

@TravLeBlanc

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

@HeyoShellz

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

@ArfMeasures

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

@KBChicken75

“To each their own”

Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.