Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
this is the best interaction on twitter
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.