About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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Wikigenius
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*