[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
#NoRestForTheWicked
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet