About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I put the p in pants.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Morning my dudes.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
can’t bark with your mouth full
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then