About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
You Might Also Like
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
The symmetry is uncanny.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.