If a tree falls in the woods and the wife’s not there to witness it, it’ll be my fault when i get home.
About to finish my second book of the day!
And when I say book, I really mean magazine.
And when I say magazine, I really mean pizza.
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife