About to go for a run, because shoplifting
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[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Florida man
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!