[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
This guy’s not having it 😆
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else